Article by: Ethan Long

Hey creep. Yea, I’m talking to you. The other day I went into the bathroom because, well, I had to go. So, I get up there, pull down my zipper, and start hosing down the porcelain dream-machine. This is when you came in, pulled up next to me, kind of moved close to me, and basically broke the code of the urinal.  Seriously man, you made me feel really uncomfortable being all up in my man business there. I mean, it isn’t my fault that there wasn’t a barrier between both of the urinals, but still, I was standing on one end, and there were two other ones to the right of me, but instead of the obvious choice, taking the urinal furthest from me, you decided to plot your stuff right there only about a foot and a half from mine. Here’s a few of the precautions you should take into account before you ever try to make another man feel uncomfortable again.

First off, you never, ever, go to a urinal that’s next to one currently in use, unless there are only two and the toilet stall is full. It’s just awkward man. I know there are some dudes that are all for a comfortable, relaxing time, which does not include you. It’s like trying to drink a cup of soda, but you see there’s a piece of hair in it. It basically stops you from doing what you want to do. Getting too close to one another in the bathroom stops what the initial rule of the bathroom is, this is the relief rule. You go into the bathroom to relieve yourself first and foremost. Sure, other things may go down in the bathroom, but seriously, I look forward to the bathroom, not your body shifting itself towards mine.

So, back what I previously mentioned: if there are more than two urinals in a bathroom and one is being used that isn’t in the middle of three, then you go to the farthest urinal possible. If this is too much for you, then just go in the toilet. It’s not like you haven’t done it. There aren’t really that many toilets in people’s houses or apartments, so it shouldn’t be a shock to just let it out into the can.

Now, another thing I’d like to point out is directed at those companies or buildings that don’t put stalls or barriers in between their urinals. For god’s sake man, this only encourages people to play the peeper! Not only is it awkward, it’s also obviously cheap.

This brings me to the last point of this week’s column: peepers. We all know they exist, and we all get kind of uncomfortable when one’s looking there. What is their deal? Why is that any kind of their business? It’s mine, not yours, and you’re not going to get it dude, so stop looking. Do these people just go to bathrooms for the sole purpose of peeping?

So, hopefully some of you who weren’t already in on the silent contract of men have learned something about urinal etiquette in this week’s issue. Hopefully, the amount of uncomfortable encounters will lower significantly after the campus reads this, because one thing is for sure: the bathroom will always be used as a sacred place for a man to do his business.