Article By: Matt McQuaid
The Tonight Show was found dead at his home at Universal Studios this past Friday at 12:35am/11:35pm Central/Pacific Time. Investigators are at this point in time ruling the death as a homicide.
The Tonight Show was a loving, compassionate creature that entertained Americans for decades with everything from white guys in comically-oversized turbans, to musical guests, to hysterically current one-liners that required zero thinking from the audience. From his humble beginning as a variety show, he rose from the ashes of the 50s to become one of TV’s longest running shows to date. The comedy legend’s death has been widely publicized and mourned across the nation this week.
“I just can’t believe he’s gone,” said Jennifer Hastings, 24, of Bethesda, MD. “It just seems like yesterday that I was going home and The Tonight Show was there, tucking me in at night with his zany sidekicks and topical humor. Now, I don’t know who I’m going to turn to. I’d watch Craig Ferguson, but I’m not into all that kilt-and-bagpipe comedy, it’s a bit too conceptual.”
Others were less distressed over the passing of the TV legend. “This is really, really, really, really satisfying for me,” stated one David Letterman, 62, of New York. “No, really, you have no idea how gratifying this is for me. I think that I can honestly die happy now.”
The Tonight Show’s death has been classified as one of the most gruesome, brutal deaths in Hollywood history. Police at the scene found the body had been beaten mercilessly to death with cheesy quips about promiscuous professional golfers and voluptuous white house interns.
“It’s almost as if whoever did this was beating, dare I say it, a dead horse,” said Homicide Investigator Bunk Moreland. “Oh God, I can’t even look at it,” Moreland stated as he vomited uncontrollably. “WHY? WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN GEORGE LOPEZ?! WHY DOES GOD ALWAYS TAKE THE BEAUTIFUL ONES?”
Police have released a description of the suspects in question and warn that they are still at large. The suspects are a white man, middle-aged, with a high-pitched voice, grey hair, and an oversized chin, and a black man in his late thirties/early forties who tends to laugh obnoxiously at the dumbest, most low-brow, least-common-denominator jokes and may or may not be carrying bass guitar. The suspects may be armed with some serious dirt regarding executives at NBC. We’re talking, like, I’m-having-an-affair-with-my-secretary-and-I-really-like-my-job type dirt. Anyone with any information pertaining to the murder is strongly encouraged to contact local authorities.
The Tonight Show is survived by a younger brother, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and his unborn son, The Conan O’Brien Show, which is expected to be born to the FOX network sometime within the next few months.
A version of this article appeared on the American Decline Blog on January 20th, 2010. http://americandecline.tumblr.com
