Why do I care what other people think? My whole life is based around what other people think but never around what I think.
My life is very static as a journalist. This is not an exciting industry on the outside. My excitement comes from the final proof read, from hitting send when I finish a first draft, from hitting posts on our website, from looking through the photos I took at an event. From listening over a podcast before I hit publish.
A lot of people don’t even know that The Suffolk Journal exists. That’s what’s so frustrating.
What is it all for? Is anyone reading? What’s the point? Who cares about our work? Do the other students care? Do they want to care? Who are we to say if the students want to be informed? Are we just doing this for ourselves? Are we just doing this to get clips? Who is this for? Is my journalism just for the other journalists?
Am I destined to fail? What does the future look like? Is it worth trying new things? Are we stuck in our ways? Why is no one listening? Is this just for fun? Should I stop? Should I quit? What else could I do? I am afraid.
I want people to care. I don’t know if I want them to care about me or my stories.
I want validation. I never get validation. I want my five minutes. I want followers. I want attention. I want people to care. Look, listen, read. Read what I write. I need views, I need clicks, I need people to keep reading. Is a story ever finished? Is there a perfect story? What is the perfect story? What are they looking for?
Do I have a ceiling? What is my ceiling? I’ve been chasing my tail throughout college trying to move up in the world, trying to move up in my industry and now I’m in the worst state I’ve ever been in and I question every decision I make. I can barely get through an article without doubting myself. I don’t follow through with assignments, I don’t go to interviews, I barely do classwork because I don’t see a point. I don’t see a future where this makes me happy. I don’t see a future where this gives back.
I want to show who I am. I want to show how much I put into it, how frustrated I get, how much I care and how little it gives back. It never gives back.
Follow James on Twitter @James_bartlett8
