Ronald Baez
Journal Staff

Just last Thursday, while the world as we know it (and by the world I mean the U.S.) was celebrating the American yearly ritualistic slaughtering of our would-be national bird, the U.S. Deptartment of Homeland Security finished its touches on its newest security alert update. Produced in conjunction with Costcopolitan Magazine, a magazine born in response to the developing literary movement history is calling the “Movement Of People Who Buy Magazines For The Pretty Pictures, Not All Those Stupid Articles” (MOPWBMFTPPNATSA), the department of the Obama administration has released “Four Ways To Know If You’re Dating A Terrorist,” an inoffensive, question-based guide to straying away from the kind of boyfriend who may wage holy war on you.

In accordance with a 2009 bill that forces American publications to print any national security update published by the nice people at Homeland Security, we’ve brought you said update to employ during your usual dating security measures:

1) Does He Only Buy Hideous Shoes?

A recent poll taken by Princeton University, in conjunction with the Department of Defense’s “Fear Your Peers” campaign, shows that 92.6 percent of terrorists exclusively buy hideous shoes often at lower prices than an aesthetically pleasing pair of shoes. Department officials have commented on the trend, citing the limited amount of time terrorists usually spend with their shoes as the logic behind the terroristic trend. Robert Blacken, spokesman for the “Fear Your Peers” campaign, confirmed it earlier this week on CNN, telling Wolf Blitzer, “I wouldn’t waste $60 on shoes if I were going to blow up next week either. It’s a good economic move in these rough economic times.”

2) Does He Usually Have A Face? If So, Does He Lease Or Own?

Investigations into terrorist organizations across the world have led investigators spanning the length of the international community to note that most terrorist attempts – foiled or otherwise – are enacted by persons who either own or lease a face, the latter being much more prominent. Consuela Bibliotheca, a lead investigator part of the U.S. and Spain’s joint venture “Credit Checks for Cheeks,” recently spoke with Bill O’Reilly on the matter of the increasing numbers of the facial leasing markets of the world, focusing exclusively on the billion dollar industry of the American Facial Leasing Market. “From 2000 to 2010, the number of leases signed per year has increased exponentially. It’s up 217 percent from what it was in 2005.” Developments in cheek and chin leasing have been responded to with calls from the left to regulate the market, a prospect Republicans and fiscally conservative Democrats oppose altogether. “It’s a building crisis,” concluded Mrs. Bibliotheca. “Most terrorists have been throwing off authorities by leasing to own, clearly with every intention of breaking their leases.”

3) Does He Wear Weird/Unusual Clothes?

A recent interview with controversial terrorist turned activist Kerri Jestwin caught the eye of millions across the country. Sean Hannity sat with Mrs. Jestwin on Oct. 14 to discuss why she left the Hi- Pster terrorist organization (an organization funded exclusively by known terrorist organizations the world over) during her training before she was able to break any laws in the name of the Hi-Pster holy war on the “American Square.” “I cannot do it, Sean. I simply will not,” Mrs. Jestwin said to Hannity. “Terrorism, in my experience, Sean, is for those with little to no fashion sense. I don’t mean to be offensive, but that’s what my experience is saying.” Mr. Hannity proceeded to straighten his tie in response to a suspicious look Mr. Jestwin posed as he signed off.

4) Does He Spend Several Months/Years Planning To Execute A Violent Act With The Intent Of Murdering Innocent Civilian Bystanders?

The latest numbers from studies done at universities across the world, including Harvard, Princeton, University of Cambridge, Oxford, and Yale, have come to the conclusion that anyone meeting said criteria is a terrorist and should be treated as such. Furthermore, the studies show that there are absolutely no benefits to generalizing the idea of a Middle Eastern Muslim, or a Muslim of any ethnicity for that matter. When asked if profiling would be an effective means of security, Professor of Global Politics Edward Army, a lecturer on the subject of homeland security, was quoted as saying: “You have to be sh***ing me…. The answer is no, please leave my office.”

So? How did you fare? Is your boyfriend a terrorist? The Department of Homeland Security asks that you share the questions with your friends and family over a nice fun dinner! Also, please contact the Dept. in the event of large, socially relevant realization at 1-888-NOT-REALLY.