So, being the fantastic daughter that I am, I had my father buy my mother and I tickets to the Sound of Music at North Shore Music Theatre. I know, I’m pretty wonderful.

Anyhoo, I have been to NSMT several times, but this time in particular was different. Maybe, with my increased involvement in theatre over the past two years I am hyper aware of everything now, but I observed a large amount of absurd behavior at today’s performance. This entry will be similar to one I made previously about my trip to Symphony Hall (How to Appear High Society at the Orchestra). HERE WE GO.

OH, before beginning, general note, NSMT is a theatre in the round (a round stage, the aisles in the audience are used to get on and off the stage…which is round)

So when attending a musical there is much, as one would expect…music. Some musicals, like the Sound of Music, are also movies and therefore the songs are extremely well known. This does not mean, however, that you are free to sing along. At any point. Unless you see a screen with a bouncing ball over the words being sung, purchasing a ticket or considering yourself a connoisseur of the arts does NOT make you a performer. No one else paid their way past an audition to be a part of this show…..this is Beverly….not New York.

NEXT.

Oh man, this is life advice. If you have glasses that have sunglass lens attached to them that you flip up when you’re not outside…stop. At LEAST, don’t sit in the front row at a theatre in the round, cause we can all see you. Woof.

Moving right along…

This entire next section is inspired by the elderly. I hate to generalize, but generally this only applies to the senior citizens. If you feel discriminated against and feel the following applies to you and you are not collecting Social Security…I wouldn’t tell anyone.

When speaking during the show, don’t. I understand, it is hard, you are a very witty person with comments to make, or you understand what is happening in the show and feel the need to educate others who probably don’t understand the somewhat simplistic storyline of the Sound of Music. But TRUST ME, No. One. Cares. People paid for the performance, not the commentary. Most importantly, do NOT speak to your hard of hearing wife in the middle of dialogue. The lovely elderly fellow behind me felt the need to respond to every one of his wife’s “WHAT DID YOU SAY?!” with repetition at a greater decibel. No sir. NO.

When being fitted for your dentures, please make sure there is no room to shift them with your tongue. The suckling noise that is made as a result is a disturbance to others. I almost vomited.

***End of Elderly Generalizations***

Now are some rules for audience members/actors/theatre staff/show crew based on events that took place today:

1. Audience: When the lights are on on an aisle for a theatre in the round, do not use that aisle to take your bathroom break. Actors are about to exit/enter the stage and you will be run down. Also, THAT’S WHAT AN INTERMISSION IS FOR. Good Lord.

2. Actor: When exiting a stage on steps, be sure not to step on the habit of the nun in front of you, it will frighten and possibly injure her.

3. Ushers: When there are several exit doors, some leading to the lobby and others to nature, stand in front of the ones that lead directly outside so unsuspecting audience members don’t light up the theatre.

4. Stage Management: When there is an actress in a dress on stage and the zipper to that dress is broken resulting in the exposure of her entire back including bra strap, let appropriate people know to give the next logical actor entering the stage a shawl in which to wrap her. Otherwise, this is all remedial audience members focus on.

5. Audience: When the conductor raises his baton in your view, it is for the actors. This action does not take place for the Maestro to conduct your orchestra of coughing.

FINALLY. The most kick-ass (in regards to theatre etiquette) situation occurred today. The man next to me was a cougher. Every 4 minutes, he expelled air through is mouth in a loud manner. Typically, those sitting in the front seats are subscribers and attend every show. The two men sitting in front of us were those people. Before the end of intermission, one man turned around, looked at coughing man and said, “Here you go, just in case” and handed him a cough drop. I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING TO THAT. IT WAS A FREAKING AUDRA MCDONALD MIC DROP!!! Greatest moment ever.

I hope this entry serves the public well, as it is to benefit the greater good. You’re welcome world.

~ Erica