OK. I went to the Boston Symphony Orchestra last night at Symphony Hall and there are a few things I noticed that I just HAD to blog about.

Perhaps you are not a connoisseur of music or the arts in general. Maybe you are a tad disobedient and disorderly. Don’t fret, you’re not alone.

So how do you know how to behave if you are carelessly thrown into a situation which calls for class and composure? Worry not. I will help.

SO. Dressing for the event. When attending an orchestra it is well….NEVER okay to wear jeans. Jean pants, jean jackets, jean skirts, jorts. All wrong. ESPECIALLY when you go to a venue like Symphony hall. Just…ew. If you did last night, you were unfortunately not alone. Oh and I don’t care if your baseball cap says Berklee on it…keep it at home. No one cares.

Next, once you have arrived at the venue, it is vital you speak in some sort of affected accent. If you don’t, you WILL be alone.

During the performance refrain from unwrapping your gum, candy, chips, dvds, christmas presents, or what have you. I’m pretty sure the man sitting behind me was unwrapping a gift wrapped car. Absurd.

So, the piece is being played, you are enjoying the dynamic sounds of Dvorak and all of a sudden, your throat is dry…a tickle is approaching. You must cough. The ill-fated cough. Pun entirely intended. A good tip, most people wait for the end of a crescendo (a gradual increase in loudness) to let loose on a cough. WRONG. They expect some grand fortissimo (wicked loud) sound to follow. Not always the case. Sometimes, like tonights Schulhoff’s piece, after the crescendo, the second movement ends. That means there’s complete silence. Except for your cough, awkwarddddd. Cough during the crescendo. BoOm. Problem solved.

Also, a must have when attending the orchestra, the monocle or set of binoculars. This is truly a personal preference. The binoculars allow for reading along with the musicians and close focus for toupee spotting. The monocle exudes class, elegance and high society. I must note, if you choose the binoculars, they must be atop a stick or have a chain to wear about your neck.

This brings us to the final and most important tip to know about attending an orchestra. The importance of this is EXTREME. I am having trouble with how to approach this next part, because it is just so vital.

ehm…do NOT clap in between movements. Never. It’s just…I mean don’t do it. You will be alone, stared at, mocked, given the evil eye, hated, and have a growing desire to exit immediately. The piece isn’t over, it’s like beginning to talk when someone takes a breath. Just rude. When in doubt, clap when everyone else does. There is no joke here.

SO there. You now know the basics of acting high society in an environment you typically don’t belong in. YAY!!!

~Erica